Some Tongue-In-Cheek Holiday Cheer

The holiday season is upon us – falalalala or CHA-CHING! Is it me or is everything just too freakin expensive to make any sense? This year I said I was cutting back (I say that every year and then find my self running like a motor with a screwed-up piston trying to at least make the tree look like it’s got something under it. I know I end up with that ‘deer in the headlights’ look as I’m leaping around milling mall customers, knocking over the occasional old lady or two, and trying to find something more for say maybe the granddaughters. Something that isn’t cheap and cheesy, yet not too pricey cuz you know damn well it’s going to break after three uses and end up in the garbage anyway.)

And oh, let’s talk about the forty acres of trees that end up in my daily newspaper or mailbox in the form of holiday coupons. Holiday Coupons??? Give me a break. There’s 10% off, 15% off and even …. Drumroll ….1/2 OFF!!!!! Come now, don’t miss the sale, it’s the deal of the year. So like the damn idiot I am, I fell for it again this year. I was one of those numbskulls that couldn’t sleep so I got up at 3:00 in the morning—mind you the wind is blowing, it’s zero outside and it takes the entire 20 minute ride to the nearest town for the car to get close to warming up. I’ve got my lists and coupons tucked all nicely in my wallet cuz damn, I’m going to hit some bargains. So I shoulder my way through the crowds while wishing for that cold car because now I’m hotflashing and rethinking my turtleneck under my sweater. I grab this, I snatch that, I clutch at the gift of the year that’s going to make me look good, all the while calculating that percentage off and telling myself that the deep freeze to the hotflash just may have been worth it. So I get up to the counter and reach for my glasses that I had hanging by a bow on my sweater and what to my wondering eyes appear? Absolutely nothing. Somewhere in the crazy holiday melee they fell off and ended up somewhere on the floor. So I retrace my route through the shopping crowd that despite the Christmas music and beautiful decorations, is now getting ornery and rude. Assholes. No glasses. Admitting defeat, I return to the counter that now has fifteen people in line in front of me. I wait patiently, caressing my coupons and trying to convince myself that yes, this is still worth what I’m going to save. FINALLY! It’s my turn. With great aplomb I drop my purchases onto the counter and snap those old coupons right on top of them with a smile of pleasure… Until the store rep and says, “Well, sorry, Ma’am,” (I hate Ma’am—I’m not my grandmother for crissakes) “These coupons won’t work because this item and this item are all considered “Great Values” and this item doesn’t fall within the category, oh, and this item? It’s listed on the special event list so…”

So what did I do? I shoved the freakin coupons back into my purse wondering if I should just roll them up and smoke them on the way home. I pulled out my credit card with teeth gritting cuz damn, I wasn’t going to be a rude and ornery customer.

On the way home as I’m choking on the taste of rolled coupon, I told myself that next year I’m simply buying gift cards.

(HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF YOU!)
Ruby